I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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