I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Randomize
