My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize