i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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