3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize