covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
