I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
