why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
