Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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