i need an iv and a liver transplant
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
