we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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