i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
