She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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