So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
