i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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