the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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