Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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