I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I forget how to act sober
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
