I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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