Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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