Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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