So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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