I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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