i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
