I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
