He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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