Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
