She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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