I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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