she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
