At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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