Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
