my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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