dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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