I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
