And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
where are my eyebrows?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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