A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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