I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He felt like a one man threesome
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
