Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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