i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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