Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
