if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
