I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
