Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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