Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
