Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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