saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
