hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
