I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize