worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
be right there i have to get my cape
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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