Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
