and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
