It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
