I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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