The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
