Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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