I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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