Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
