I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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