It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize