I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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