dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
