fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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