can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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