I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
