oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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