We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
