Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
