I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize