I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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